The Gods Must Be Crazy
Written by Amazonia V
Chapter 4
Thor, Lord of Thunder looked at his father Odin with misgiving. "You want me to…what?" he roared.
Odin slapped Thor hard. "Don't take that tone with me. You are still my son. If I tell you to woo and win a lady, then do my command."
"This is no lady. She is an Amazon."
"But a worthy woman to take to your bed and to be your wife. I recall, even now, how she fought for Asgaard."
"She has foresworn bed-sport. As an Amazon warrior, she must."
"No. Her mother assures me that she will wed. Win her and you can bed her. She will be yours willing or not, once she is your wife."
"Father, I…"
"No more. Go."
Diana stared at the handsome blonde haired god before her. Bare-chested, with thick leather belts crisscrossing over his pectorals, and an impressive abdomen. He was a devastatingly handsome man, nay, god. His shoulders were wide and powerful. His chest was broad, narrowing below his waist where his belt rested. His long hair hung in damp locks about his face and he looked as though he'd just come from Asgaard. As he most likely had.
"You've come to do what?" she asked again.
"Offer my service as your mate."
"Did my mother ask you to?"
"No, my father did."
"This is weird."
Thor, unresponsive at first, suddenly pulled Diana closer to him. Slanting his mouth over hers, he began to kiss her. He nipped at her lips once, twice, then engaged her fully, sinking into the kiss, delving tenderly between her teeth with his tongue.
He cupped her face in his hands, reveling in the silky texture of her skin, the soft sweep of her hair, the delicate shell of her ear. He slid his palm along her spine until his hand rested at her waist. But he hungered for more. He slipped his hand down farther to urge her close, cupping the sweet curve of her buttocks.
The next thing he knew, the earth was yanked out from under him. He was laid out flat on his back. And he was looking at Diana's red boots.
"What do you do?" asked Thor angrily.
Diana looked down at him with a mixture of satisfaction and horror. She hadn't wanted to do that. But she had to. Thrilled as she was that Thor was the first of the suitors her mother had chosen for her, her heart had still not been won. She couldn't allow him such liberties.
"Thor, what are you doing down there?" she exclaimed in faux surprise.
He blinked and sat up, utterly perplexed.
Before he could think too much on what had happened, she reached down to help him up.
"You were kissing me. I dislike being touched without being asked."
"As your future husband, it's my right to kiss you. And do more, if I wish," said Thor arrogantly.
Diana sighed. Thor was a handsome man. And once he might have made her pulse race, set her blood aflame. Now it was simply too late.
But she needed to be gentle with the rejection. Even diplomatic. Turning to Thor, she said, "I challenge you to a competition of combat skills. Should you win, I will be your wife. Should I win, you will take yourself back to Asgaard and give Father Odin my respects."
Thor nodded. "On the ground, though. Not in the air. We fight honorably."
Diana smiled and held out her hand, "It's a pact."
Thor had seen this woman fight before.
Indeed, had fought beside her for the honor of Asgaard. But no one could withstand the might of his Mjolnir.
Diana, Princess of the Amazons would be his. Then, he would go home to Asgaard, with her by his side and in his bed.
Scowling in determination, Diana drew her swords, one in each hand, then hunkered with her knees bent, and prepared to engage Thor at close range. Her weapons, made for her by Hephaestus, would be worthy against any god.
Thor swung his mighty hammer.
Before he could get near enough to strike, she lunged forward, missing his hammer-arm with one, but catching his arm with the other and, with a twist of her forearm, touching the point to his upper arm, nicking it only enough to mark a small victory.
Thor was unbelievably fast. Before she could leap away, he swung forward, swinging Mjolnir, grazing her belly with the blunt edge, then swinging again to shatter the sword in her right hand.
The impact made her suck air between her teeth. But she couldn't afford the luxury of pain.
She was fighting for her life.
Thor was fighting for his wife.
Diana didn't take a moment to appreciate the irony of that rhyme.
Snatching up a trident, she snagged his wrist between the tines and thrust his hammer arm away and ducked past him to slide beneath and between his legs to come up behind him.
He wasted no time. He turned quickly and snatched up a sword from the weapon rack.
The first thrust missed her hip by inches. The second landed short of her shoulder. The third carved a sliver of flesh out of her thigh. She gasped in pain, then turned quickly before he could land another.
As he made the fourth thrust, she came up beside him and jabbed her trident forward to catch his ankles, sweeping him off his feet. He landed first on his hindquarters, then tumbled backward onto the floor. Best of all, he was left weaponless. His weapons had dropped to floor as he tumbled.
She raised the sword in her left hand and prepared to attack him. But just before she thrust, something knocked her hand askew, and the weapon landed harmlessly on the ground beside him. When she glanced down at her stinging knuckles, she found she'd been struck by Mjolnir.
The next thing she saw was the ground rushing up toward her. Her head hit the hard wood as her feet flew up behind her, and she dropped her own weapons.
For one stunned moment, she lay there, blinded by a veil of stars, felled as surely as a tree by a woodsman's axe. Only desperation, and the knowledge that she would be Thor's wife, if she remained, moved her to slither away with all haste.
She heard him grunt, heard the scrape of his Mjolnir. She forced herself to rise, knowing that the longer she stayed down, the more Thor could claim victory.
Before he could raise Mjolnir again, she kicked him as hard as she could in the groin. As he sank, moaning in pain, she poked her fingers hard into the spot above his breastbone, making him reflexively pull his head back and drop his hammer.
She scrambled a hasty retreat. Her eyes watered, blurring her vision. Her head swam. Her thigh was bleeding. She had cuts across her belly and her knuckles. But she dared not succumb.
It was a matter of life and death.
Her hands slicked with sweat, her heart thundering, the breath rasping through her lungs, she somehow managed to struggle to her feet and lift her sword again.
Thor staggered towards her.
She thought he wouldn't have time to lift his heavy hammer.
She was wrong.
He knocked the sword from her hand with a hard blow of his hammer, then returned with a wide slash meant to hit her head.
Thor was fighting hard and giving no quarter.
Only her quick reflexes saved her. When she drew her head back, the hammer whistled across her throat, just grazing it.
Thor looked at the woman he had come to woo.
There was no mistaking her glittering eyes (more blue than grey), her flaring nostrils, her trembling lips.
One final tussle, and she would be his.
He would love to tame that spirit, temper it, ride it till she was exhausted. His father, Odin, was right. She was a match made for him.
He turned at the sound of a weapon behind him. Diana had flung her sword behind him, arcing it so that it sailed over his head harmlessly, distracting him for an instant.
An instant was all she needed.
No sooner did he turn his glance, than he felt an incredibly sharp sting at the back of his ankle, like a dog nipping at his heel. He staggered back to discover a sharp pointed star stuck in the back of his leg. As he bent to remove it, he watched as Diana jumped nimbly in front of him, holding her weapon to his neck.
"Yield," she said, hoping he would surrender.
"You win."
Diana threw down the sword and offered her hand to Thor to help him rise. Ruefully, she
watched him check himself for injuries.
Had circumstances been different, she would have loved him.
Would have loved to be his wife…