OPEN YOUR EYES
A/N: An angsty response to the Lois/Dear Clark fic challenge.
Clark stopped near the glass window and stared into the infirmary. His eyes were fixed upon the body lying on the bed closest to him. She was asleep. Her breathing was soft and even. So unlike when she was brought in by J’onn three days ago, after an encounter with some new villainess that had been able to negate her power. Diana had narrowly escaped death and in the process of defeating the foe had taken a lot of damage. She had been unconscious. Her lungs had been punctured. Clark could recall the sound of her labored breathing. The way the blood bubbled up and choked her. Every cut and bruise that marred her flawless skin and the burn on the side of her beautiful face.
Thankfully with expert care and her own healing factor she had been dragged back from death and according to Ray Palmer, would make a full recovery. She had finally woken up last night. Ray said she was still too weak and exhausted to get up. She needed to rest and he would prefer no one coming in and disturbing her.
Clark couldn’t stop himself now from checking her. He breathed a sigh of relief. Her lungs had healed and the cuts were all fading. The burn on her face was now a shadow of what it had been. Clark bent his head and let out a long sigh. He put his hand on the glass for the briefest of seconds only to drop it sharply when a voice sounded behind him.
“Hiya, Supes. How is she?”
He turned to see the Flash. “Oh hi, Wally. Better. Ray says she’s better.”
Flash peered in and sighed. “It was a close call this time, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Goes to show you some of us are not as invincible as we seem. So, we still banned from going in?”
“Ray thinks it best not to exhaust her. The longer she sleeps the faster she heals.”
“Yeah, I guess. At least she looks better. The public is worried about her too, you know. They were so many bystanders there while that fight took place and they thank her for saving many lives. They’re holding a vigil at her Embassy. I think once we know she’s better, you all need to make a statement.”
Clark nodded absently. “Yes, J’onn will do that. I need to go, Wally. I promised Lois I’d take her out for dinner.”
Flash nodded understanding. “Sure. Get going, buddy. Don’t keep her waiti…Hey…look!”
Flash pointed to Diana’s bed and they saw her body stir. She moved her limbs and her eyes opened and stared at the ceiling. Then as if she sensed something her head turned to her left. Her eyes met theirs.
Flash grinned. “She’s awake!!!” He waved. “Hiya, Di!!”
Diana’s fingers lifted in a weak sort of wave but her lips smiled. Ray was seen coming down the aisle.
Clark said to Wally, “I’ve got to go.”
Wally blinked. “Oh…okay…”
As he walked away, Ray went to stand near Diana’s bed and gave Flash a chiding look. Wally gestured. “Fine. I’m going…”
Diana’s eyes focused on Ray’s face as he spoke to her and asked her how she was but her smile had died.
************************************************************************
Clark flew home. He did not know how he got there but he did. He landed on the balcony of the apartment in 1938 Sullivan Place and opened the sliding door. For once he was not late and on time. She would probably be getting ready. He could have a shower and change in minutes or less depending on his mood.
“Lois?”
The apartment was quiet. Clark frowned. He listened. He couldn’t hear her heartbeat. Did she step out? He checked the time. It was only six thirty five pm. She would have come home from work by now.
Clark stood in the sitting room and suddenly his eyes noticed something. Something was not right. The living room looked different. What was?
He knew at once. Things were missing. Lois’s pictures of her family on the mantle. Several books from the shelves. Mainly hers. The pretty vase she was given by her mother for her wedding. Her ceramic paperweight. His eyes scanned and he saw more and more things missing.
Clark did not know why but he felt a strange feeling hit him in the pit of his stomach. He walked into the bed room and went to the closet. Her clothes were gone. He stood there, his mind blank for a moment. It was then his eyes fell on the dressing table.
A white envelope was there. Lying flat amid the empty space that her make-up and perfume bottles use to be. His name was written on it in Lois’s handwriting.
His hand reached and he opened it. There was a letter and Lois’ wedding ring.
Dear Smallville,
This feels really cliché and cowardly of me leaving a letter for you. But I guess I just am not brave enough to do this face to face. Me, Lois Lane. Brave intrepid reporter. That’s a misnomer if ever there was one. Seeing you in your Superman outfit would make it harder than it is for me, I guess, and more to the point, hearing you saying you love me while trying to stop me would not change the reasons why I need to do this.
I have no doubt you love me, Clark. You are the good, loyal guy who any woman would want. But I know and you know something is very wrong with this marriage. Don’t get me wrong. You never did nor said anything to hurt me or make me feel any less than a beloved wife. But…I have put up with a lot to be with you. I’m in danger all the time. You are always running off on this or that mission. We do have some intimacy issues and well, of course, children. I know I said it didn’t matter but it all seems to become more and more important as time goes by. I guess I am that woman whose clock is ticking and wants her husband by her side when she wants him, not when he can spare her time.
I have never felt it some much as in these last three days. Why? Because someone got her butt whipped and was at death’s door. By her I know you know exactly who I mean. You’re not that much of a Boyscout or that stupid, are you, Smallville?
In hindsight, one can see all the signs, right in front of one’s nose. I saw them but shrugged it away. Told my self I was being paranoid. Never trusted my instincts as a reporter because I was so overjoyed I got Superman. Me. Lois Lane. Not even she could do that. I wanted to hold onto it but as time went by it just got harder and harder.
So here’s the deal.
You say she is your best friend but you never really talk about her with me. It’s like what you share with her is sacred. You don’t even react around her. Not like a normal guy. And that’s weird, even for you. She is the epitome of all that is perfection in a woman and yet you treat her like a buddy or as if she is asexual. Even Bruce looks at her with admiration in his eyes. That alone should say something. If the goddamn Batman can’t even help himself, how could you?
You don’t touch her. Those JLA functions we have been to. I have seen everyone at ease and chatty with each other but you always keep that space between you and her. Crossing your arms over your chest. I use to think it was just your way but it’s as if you were stopping yourself from reaching out.
I know there are things you talk with her that you never do with me. Oh, I know it’s confidential stuff but who gets to challenge you as Superman? Not me, that’s for sure. She gets to hear your dilemmas. Gets to argue morals and ethics with you. She gets to see you vulnerable. But you keep strong always for me. You’re probably thinking, how is that a bad thing…well, it’s just one of those things that make me feel left out of the loop.
There was one thousand years you spent in Asgard with her. That hurt me, Clark. Not that you spent it with her but I had to hear it from her and not you. But in the end I knew you would never lie. She said you told her that I was the only one, even if I was dead, one thousand years past. You know what? I really didn’t find that comforting, Smallville. Did you feel so much guilt over me that you could not be happy? That you think I could begrudge you happiness if I had passed on? I shudder to think that you would be so helpless and that your loyalty to me would be so blindly devoted that you could not live. I never wanted you to love me that way. It’s almost morbid.
I remember when you saved her mother over my father. I know. I’m being a bit bitchy here. But I’m only human and, well, bottom line, you did choose her over me. You were so caught up in seeing Diana you never heard me call for you. That wounded me too.
When she killed Max Lord. The look in your eyes. It was as if someone had stabbed you in the heart. I tried talking to you but you shrugged me off. You said you wanted to believe that your friends were who you thought they were. Making it seem as if it was about Bruce and Brother Eye too. But it was all Diana. It was as if she was knocked off that pedestal you placed her upon and you could not see or deal with the fact that she was a real flesh and blood woman who was vulnerable and capable of making mistakes. Making her accessible and making you panic, I guess.
So many things. I can’t think of them all now. My head aches and each line I write brings it all back. All these feelings I have. I have always been jealous of her and hated her for what she had with you. There I said it and I feel better for it.
All these things, they add up, Clark. And the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she nearly died this time. It was all over the news and yet you came home that night and said nothing until I pressed you. “She’ll be okay.” That’s all you said. But your expression. You could school your face, Smallville, but you can’t hide your eyes.
I knew it then. You loved this woman. Not as a friend and ally. As a woman.
I can’t bear the thought that one day you will open your eyes and see her and where will I be? When I grow old… you…you will remain young and strong and she’ll be there, vibrant and glowing in her immortal glory. I can’t bear waking up one morning and you being my geriatric nurse-maid. Wiping my spittle and feeding me pureed peas. Ugg, the thought makes me want to puke! And you would do it and tell me you love me. You would put your life on hold. I know you will. That would make me resent you. If I'm honest, part of me already does. It resents the part that can’t have a normal life.
It was good while it lasted but it’s over, Clark. I need to find myself again. I feel as if I have lost myself in this marriage. For what it’s worth, I do care for you still and wish you to be happy. I’m taking a year off the job and whatever contact is made between us will be between our lawyers. I’m moving on. I think you need to. Good-bye.
Lois.
PS: Before you think to come after me, look up, Clark.
The letter and ring fell from Clark’s hand and his eyes lifted and he saw his image in the mirror. For the first time in years Clark saw himself as Lois saw him. His love for Diana was in his eyes.
