Personal Business Chapter 3
Diana left the kitchen for the more comfortable sofa, still staring at the unopened letter.
Why? Why write a letter? To get the last word in on their little feud, or to try to make amends? She didn’t know whether to steel herself or to get her hopes up. Diana was afraid to open it. That didn’t make any sense, but there it was. The questions were just excuses not to open it. Still, she hesitated.
Diana and Lois had been at odds for years, and still Diana didn’t understand why. Well, she felt that she understood Lois’ side of it but not her own.
Lois was simply insecure in her relationship with Kal, that’s all. Diana could not comprehend this. Kal is one of the most faithful and honorable people she had ever met. Lois never had to worry. But she did. And it all centered on Diana. This was yet another mystery. She and Kal were friends. Best friends. Teammates on occasion. But nothing more. Never. Yet Lois could not bring herself to see this. Could not, or would not.
Her own part was even more perplexing. Diana couldn’t deny a certain hostility towards Lois. It could be that Lois’ resentment towards her was the reason, but she didn’t think so. At least, that wasn’t all of it. That hostility was heightened when she saw Kal and Lois together. Maybe it was because of the smirk Lois gave her as she tightened an arm around him. It was at those times that she wanted to slap the smirk right off of that self-satisfied bitch.
Diana’s grip on the envelope tightened as she winced. ‘self-satisfied bitch’? Where did that come from? That wasn’t a worthy thought. It was undignified and…crass!
With a start, it dawned on her that this wasn’t a new feeling towards Lois, but that she was merely recognizing it for the first time. She wasn’t sure whether she should be horrified by this revelation or relieved that it was finally in the open. Did she really see Lois that way? That wasn’t a fair assessment, and yet, when the three of them were in the same room it was an accurate assessment.
To be fair, Lois Lane had also been an accomplished reporter. A female reporter in a line of work dominated by men. She was a pioneer in her field. She had helped uncover and expose countless evils in a world that sometimes forgot what ‘evil’ was. She was also the woman that Kal loved, and that in itself is saying a lot. She had the respect of the English speaking world, including Diana. It was just when it came down to Lois and herself, Lois could still be a…
“Self-satisfied bitch”. It shocked her how good it felt to say that out loud.
Diana understood that she had a role to play in the world of men and that she had ideals to promote and uphold. Superhero, metahuman, Wonder Woman—whatever the world called her, she was still a woman first, wasn’t she? If she only allowed herself lofty emotions, wouldn’t she be lying to everyone, including herself? Was she only allowed righteous anger or benevolent tolerance? Everyone seemed to see her as some two-dimensional being and not as a real person who could feel emotional pain or happiness. (Well, except for Kal, now that she thought about it.) Don’t I have a right to have feelings too? And why was this such a new thought?
With that thought, she opened the letter with her fingernail. She realized then that she had decided to steel herself instead of getting her hopes up. This resolve, however, gave way to confusion again as she began to read.
Dear Sister,
You don’t have to check the signature, Diana, this really is Lois. Surprised? I guess I am too. After all these years of our little rivalry it’s only fair that I explain this new perspective of mine. Please be patient, as it may take awhile.
This is one of the most difficult letters I’ve ever written. While I wrote (this is a tenth draft), I began to really understand you, and myself as well. I think I probably understand you better than you do. At least when it comes to Clark. I am still in the process of understanding some of this even as I write this, so please bear with me as I try to piece things together.
I need to let you know something else before I really begin. I don’t hate you Diana. I was jealous of you, yes, and envious too, but I never really hated you. I know you aren’t ready to believe that just now, but I think you’ll understand by the time you finish reading this.
It all comes down to Clark, doesn’t it? Whatever relationship you and I had, it was always shaped by our relationship with him, wasn’t it? As you know, men are always blind when it comes to emotional undercurrents. But you and I, as women, instinctively understand these things. Or, we thought we did. Two independent women, acting as little satellites around one man. Disturbing, isn’t it? If you think about it, you’ll see that I’m right.
Casting her mind back to those times when all three were together, Diana found that it was true to an extent. They used him as a spark to ignite their petty rivalries, which amounted to pretty much what Lois wrote.
Let me also come clean with you. I was envious of you for your physical perfection. What woman isn’t? I know that you find that unimportant, but it is important. If you were not beautiful, do you really think that your role as ambassador would have been as successful? Men will always listen to the beautiful woman before the...less appealing one. You have been in our world long enough to know the truth in what I’m telling you. It’s not good and it’s not right, but it is true.
I was also envious of your power. You have powers that can help Clark in his other work more than I ever could.
“That is not true”, Diana said aloud. “You helped as much as I, but in a different way.”
I hated that you could be with him and share things with him that I never could. I resented you for that more than anything else. That is what led to the jealousy on my part. Relationships are built on shared experiences and you had the benefit of sharing experiences with him that I could not. I was afraid that he would fall in love with you and leave me behind. You didn’t understand this. I couldn’t understand that you didn’t understand. Does that make sense?
I never took into account our cultural differences. I assumed that you knew exactly what you were doing and what was happening. I’ve come to the realization that I was wrong. You never grew up in a world of boys and girls and how they interact and the signals they send to each other without even realizing it. What’s more is that you’ve never seen men and women in love. You have seen Clark and I, but you never saw the signals for what they were. If you saw me touch him or put an arm around him, you assumed I was trying to thumb you in the eye (okay, I will admit that there were times when I did that).
My point is that if you can’t see the signs of love in others, how can you expect to recognize it when you are in love yourself? I recognize them when I see them. And I see them whenever you look at Clark.
“What!” Kal didn’t mention that Lois was going senile near the end.
Think about it, Diana. How many times have you been with him and a thought or idea has popped into your head that you didn’t understand? That you brushed off or ignored?
Do you feel unaccountably happy when he arrives or saddened when he leaves? Does it feel like a little part of you goes with him? Of all the people you know and respect, whose opinion matters most to you? Does anyone else make you feel the same way inside just by thinking of him? Can you say that you have never dreamed of him, even if you put it out of your mind upon awakening? When he smiles at you, does the world seem just a little brighter? Remember. Think. Understand.
Diana put the letter down on the couch, closed her eyes and tried to remember…
“I don’t want to. I don’t want you to go.” One of her last conversations with Kal the other day. She could remember a number of other occasions too where an unbidden and unexplainable thought had intruded when she was with him. There were dreams too--It was impossible. But was it true? Is that what love is? Can she have possibly been so blind?
Her first instinct was to put it all down to their deep friendship. To deny that this could possibly be so. “I don’t feel this way about any other friends” came a small voice in her head. There it was. That simple thought confirmed it in her mind. It was not a comfortable realization. The truth wasn’t always comfortable. Especially an unexpected truth. But truths had to be faced. But why tell me this, Lois? Why?
She picked up the letter again and continued reading.
I’ve come to realize that in this, we are sisters. Not rivals or enemies. Sisters. We are linked by our love for one man. You rejected him all those years ago for reasons I can’t begin to understand, and then I found him. Or he found me. He was committed to me and I to him, and so you were never the threat I had envisioned. I only saw your eyes when they met his and I knew how you felt, even if you didn’t. To my shame, I could not understand this before. So, now I tell you. I truly regret what we missed together because of my jealousy and your ignorance. I’m a journalist and you’re an ambassador, yet our problem was that we couldn’t communicate. How’s that for ironic?
Why should I tell you these things? I must admit, I have an ulterior motive. Clark is lost right now. Lost in grief over me, and lost in confusion over you. Yes, he has been blind too. I believe that he loves you. I have seen those signs too. He is as proud as you are, Diana, and would never let himself entertain thoughts he felt were unfaithful. He will feel as if his love for you, were he to recognize it, would be a betrayal to me. I can’t convince him otherwise and neither could you. He will have to work this out himself. I think he will work it out, but I can’t be sure. We cannot help how we feel, but we are responsible for what we do with those feelings. In this, Clark has always been faithful to me.
I’m telling you this also because I still love him, even in death. No less than you love him in life. I want him to be happy.
Diana was surprised to find that she was nodding her head in agreement now and not trying to deny her feelings, as strange as those feelings were. What was truly surprising was how quickly she was accepting this.
Being with you will make him happy again. However, being with him or not is a choice you have to make. You can have a life with him, or you can deny yourself. I have seen your eyes as you look at him. I know what you want. Do you, sister?
I have also told you these things partly to make amends for what we have put each other through over the years. Mostly however, I do it for Clark. My love for him makes me want to see to his happiness even when it seems counter to my own. In this case I can assure you that it is not counter to my own. I hope someday that you can believe that.
Think over what I have written. You pride yourself on being completely honest with others and with yourself. Well, look inside yourself and see the truth. Whatever you decide, I wish you a good life and happiness. I truly do. May there be peace between us always, in spirit if not in life.
Your Sister,
Lois
Diana stood up and began to pace around the room, the letter still in her hand. It wasn’t the letter that she was lost in thought over, though. She ran through her mind all the times she could remember where she and Kal had talked or been together. She tried to remember her emotions. She felt she needed to prove Lois wrong. She found that she could not. The lift in her spirits when he came to her. The pain when he told her he was going away for awhile. When they were apart she thought about him often and hoped that he thought of her too. Too many times and too many instances for it to be “just friends”. Lois was right. She was right and Diana found that she could not pretend otherwise. She found that she didn’t want to pretend otherwise. To deny this now would be the same as lying to herself. She couldn’t do that and still keep her honor and her integrity.
“I really do love him. I’m really in love with him.” she marveled. Diana didn’t know how she should feel about this, but the one feeling overriding all others was—joy. She found that she couldn’t stop grinning. Another thought stopped her pacing suddenly. “He’s going to think things over. He’s going away and he doesn’t know how I feel.”
After thinking about it for a few minutes it was clear to her that it wouldn’t be right to tell him just before he leaves. He has to think and come to his own decisions.
“That woman causes more trouble in death than she ever did in life.” Diana was still smiling, though, as she put the letter away in her desk drawer. However much she tried to mask it, it must have been extremely painful for Lois to write that letter. If their roles had been reversed, Diana didn’t truly know whether she was capable of writing a letter like that. She hoped she was.
Kal had promised to drop in and say goodbye before he left. Seeing as how there was nothing at the moment that needed the attention of Wonder Woman, Diana, having gotten ready for bed, was looking forward to whatever dreams might bring. She was expecting to lay awake with these new thoughts for hours, but was soon asleep. She wouldn’t remember any of those dreams when she awoke, but she would know that they were all sweet.
