Personal Business Chapter 5
It had been only seven days, but it felt like seven years. The fact that no major confrontations had occurred on the planet made the time seem to go by more slowly. Metropolis had been fairly quiet, as had the whole world. Diana should have been relieved if not at least satisfied. She never imagined that she would find herself wishing for physical confrontation, but she desperately needed to hit something-- or someone. Her whole mission centered on the need to bring peace to the world and yet her personal turmoil was pushing her towards violence. She needed to think and understand why.
Flying above the clouds, she tried to sort herself out. Aimless flight was one of the most relaxing things to do. It cleared her mind and helped her focus. While it was true she’d had the gift of flight for her whole adult life, it was Kal who pointed out the therapeutic benefits of floating above the clouds in order to think things out.
The last year and a half had been hell for Diana. Kal’s absence was a big part of that. Or so it seemed.
It all came back to Kal, didn’t it? He was gone, temporarily, but still gone. That wasn’t the problem. She wasn’t angry that he wasn’t here. That made her sad, not angry. Her mind wandered back to their last meeting at JLA headquarters, when they had been alone after the meeting. She had wanted to tell him something, something other than what she finally managed to say. She didn’t know what exactly it was. I will miss you? Come back to me? I love you? Still, she couldn’t decide what it might have been, but whatever it was; it got stuck in her throat. Was she angry at herself for not saying something like that, or the fact that she wanted to say it at all?
How would Kal take any such declaration? She didn’t know exactly how he felt. Perhaps he was unsure himself. Conviction coursed through her at the sudden realization that she wasn’t mad at herself, but at him. A year and a half of watching his grief along with her new understanding of her own feelings towards him had eventually taken its toll on her. The convergence of these two things created a vulnerability within her that was gnawing at her, eating away at her equilibrium. And she hated feeling vulnerable.
It didn’t help that he wasn’t giving much in the way of hints. She could read him like a book most of the time. Knew his moods just by looking into his eyes. She’d been doing that for years. Likewise, he always seemed to know what she was thinking. But when it came to how he thought about her, he was unreadable. A mask of stone. While there may have been emotions hidden within, that mask obscured it. He was never cold to her, but he never gave off those subtle interpersonal signs that indicated anything other than the fact that he cared about her as a comrade, a best friend. There were no gestures or comments that could be taken in any other context. Or were there? If there were any other feelings for her, he managed to stifle them well. They both had apparently been doing that.
The thought gave her pause. If he had romantic feelings towards her, he was hiding them, but what about her? What was she doing? She was waiting for him to signal his intentions, yet what signals was she sending? Casting her mind back, she finally came to understand that she, too, wore a mask. Was her mask as impenetrable as his? She wasn’t sure. Could her mask be a simple reaction to fear of rejection? Could that be true for Kal as well?
But then, those masks had been necessary for the years of his marriage. Even if she had been aware of her feelings then, she would not have considered making them known. It would have benefitted no one and possibly done much damage. That was in the past anyway. There was too much to contend with in the here and now to worry about what might have been.
Well, that didn’t solve my underlying problem, but it does feel good to understand what the problem really is. We will have a good long discussion when you get back Kal. This needs to be resolved, and soon.
While she was on the topic of resolving issues, she made a mental note to apologize to Ollie. He acted like an ass, but that was no excuse for losing her composure. Thinking on it, she still had to smile.
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The hallways in the League’s satellite were near empty as Diana wandered them, lost in thought. She was jarred out of her reverie when she literally bumped into Green Arrow and Black Canary.
“Hey, Princess, careful, I break easily.” Wonder Woman merely growled an indecipherable response to the Emerald Archer’s sally as she continued her march down the hall.
Never one to leave well enough alone, he called at her retreating figure. “You’re as moody as the Blue Boy Scout, Princess. Maybe you should have gone with him so he could keep you a bit more satisfied.” The crack was vintage Ollie, but it wasn’t going to be brushed off today. Diana stopped and turned slowly back. The fury on her face made Canary cringe. “Oh, shit” she whispered.
The Amazon strode back until she was in Ollie’s face. Between gritted teeth she asked “What did you say?”
Now even the laconic archer was taken aback. He began to stutter a weak reply, but Diana interrupted with “You know what would ‘satisfy’ me right now? Taking each arrow out of your quiver and sticking them, one by one, up your ass. How many arrows do you think it would take before he shut up, Dinah? Let’s find out.” She reached for his quiver, but the white-faced Dinah had already begun dragging the dumbstruck Ollie back down the hall. Getting his legs back under him, he began pulling Canary because she wasn’t leaving fast enough. With a snort of disgust, Diana turned around again and went on her way.
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Kal would have been appalled, but he would have chuckled later in private.
The problem boils down to lack of communicating, but Diana wasn’t certain how to go about correcting that. She could use some advice, and who better to give advice than a mother? Feeling better than she had in days, Diana headed towards Themyscira.
