Shades of Grey

by Shani

Naïve. Boy Scout. Smallville. Some people liked to use these or like terms to describe him, to his face, behind his back. Never really bothered him. He knew in certain aspects, these people were right. Somehow, despite growing up as the surviving alien on a strange planet. Despite being blessed, or cursed, depending on what day he was asked, with powers others could only dream of. Despite all of the terror throughout galaxies he literally lived his life to try and prevent. Somehow, he had a relative innocent view of the world. He drew lines in the sand…some because of the power he held, some just because of how he was raised. He usually had a clear view of what was "right" what was "wrong". There weren't too many gray areas for him. He knew these gray areas existed for others…he just tried like hell to make sure they didn't exist for him. He couldn't afford the gray areas. Killing was wrong. Lusting a woman other than Lois was wrong. Loving a woman other than Lois was….evil. Yet… Yet… As Lois slept soundly in their bed, Clark left the bedroom. He dressed as he headed towards the front window. And soon he flew high above the clouds; he…no, Kal needed the time to think. Anyone who knew Clark knew how much he loved Lois. Clark and Lois. Lois and Clark. So perfect that they could be a television show… Clark would do anything for Lois. Superman had done anything for Lois. Kal… Kal… Kal's heart belonged to another. And anyone who knew Kal would know how much he loved this other. Would know that he would do anything for this other. Except the other…he hoped. Because the other was the only one he showed Kal to. And he needed to think that the other had no idea just how much he loved her. Diana. He tried to fight Kal…tried to ignore Kal…in the end he had to embrace Kal. He had to allow Kal to steal looks at Diana. He had to allow Kal to want Diana. He had to allow Kal to need Diana. He had to allow Kal to love Diana. It was the only way to stop Superman from stealing looks at Diana. It was the only way to stop Superman from wanting Diana. It was the only way to stop Superman from needing Diana. It was the only way to stop Superman from loving Diana. Because, then soon Clark would be the one stealing looks at Diana. Soon Clark would be the one wanting Diana. Soon Clark would be the one needing Diana. Soon Clark would be the one loving Diana. And that was a betrayal he wouldn't allow. A betrayal Lois didn't deserve. A betrayal that would color gray into his black and white world. So, like he was Clark to some, and Superman to others, and both of those to Lois and a select few others He had become Kal only to Diana. As if he could divide himself into those parts, when really he was all of them. All of them were what made him a man. Made him, him. He was naïve. He wished. It would be easier if he was. It would be easier especially now if he, as John had said laughingly once, "really had no clue" as to what was happening before his eyes. Before Kal's breaking heart. He wished he had was clueless to the fact that Diana was no longer only Diana to Kal. Diana was becoming Diana to Bruce. If was up to Diana, she would be Diana to Bruce, of this much Kal was sure. Bruce was standing in the way of that. For now. Kal couldn't help but sigh deeply…he knew eventually Bruce would give in. He had given in so many ways already. In his quiet yet superior way of his, Bruce had let Superman…no, Kal shook the thought… Bruce had let Kal know that he realized. Bruce let him know that he realized Kal existed and Kal wanted Diana to be his. Bruce let him know that he realized Kal was jealous that on each mission Diana went further and further away from Kal…went closer and closer to Bruce. And Superman forced Kal to the deep recesses of his heart as he merely stood tall to Batman's words. While Clark forced Kal to the deepest recesses of his heart as he let his eyes flash that naivety he used to give to Lois when she first started suspecting that maybe he was Superman. Were WonderWoman and Batman growing closer, Clark's eyes asked? Superman never noticed, because Superman could care less who WonderWoman was close to, Clark eyes promised. That encounter had led Clark home, led him to make love to Lois as Kal could only dream of making love to Diana, led Clark to hold Lois as Kal dreamed to hold Diana. One day it would be Bruce making love to Diana. Holding Diana. For all he knew it was happening right now… The thought made him…no, he corrected himself, made Kal shudder at the thought. And that was what led to this late evening flight. He hovered above the high rise he shared with Lois knowing he should go inside…but Kal wasn't through thinking…so he flew past. Was Diana ever truly Kal's as Kal was Diana's? Kal used to sometimes think that maybe Diana loved him…was as in love with him as he was in love with her. Kal used to know that certain touches, certain looks were just for him. And sometimes he thought that maybe it was because she loved him as much as he loved her. Kal had watched Diana date others…fall for others…but sometimes thought that maybe that was more about her getting on with her life because Clark was Lois' and therefore Kal couldn't be hers. Bruce changed all of that. When Diana became interested in Bruce, really interested in Bruce, certain touches, certain looks that she used to give Kal stopped. Just stopped. He wasn't even weaned off of them. They just stopped. And being without them, so suddenly without them, Kal couldn't help but wonder if Diana was ever truly his. Or was it all wishful thinking on his part. It didn't matter in the end though because Kal would always be Diana's. Diana would always own Kal's heart. In it's entirety. Even after she became Bruce's. Even after she lost Bruce. Diana would lose Bruce. Or Bruce would one day lose Diana. Kal was as sure of this as he was sure that one day she would have Bruce. If Diana was dreaming of a happily ever after mortal life with Bruce, she was setting herself up for a huge fall. The only way Bruce would ever allow himself to be that happy would be in a perfect world where Batman was never needed again. And that world would not exist in Bruce's lifetime, of that Kal was sadly sure. Bruce and Diana would be for awhile…maybe even a long while…Kal had no idea how long…he just knew it would end. They wouldn't be Clark and Lois. Clark and Lois would probably only end with Lois' death, Kal figured…had to figure…Clark and Lois belonged together, it was one of Clark's givens. One of Superman's givens. Why would they end? Right?…no that had to be a certainty…. Bruce and Diana…Bruce did not really belong with anyone. But Batman. Kal knew that, Superman knew that, Clark knew that. Bruce knew it. Batman knew it. Hopefully Diana knew that. Kal wanted to warn her, to make sure Diana knew that. He wouldn't though. That wasn't allowed. Superman wouldn't allow it. Not because it was none of Superman's business, Superman could easily reason that it was, especially in his black and white world. Having two of the league's most powerful members involved in a romance could very well prove dangerous to the rest of them if the romance went sour. No, Superman wouldn't allow it because then one of his nightmares could come true. Clark, Superman worried that one day he would push too hard…that he would hurt the ones he loved the most. That he wouldn't know his limits, that he would kill them, and then he would be the lone survivor once again. For him to talk to Diana about Bruce, to see if she needed warning about Bruce could very well be too pushy. Could hurt her in a way that she would never forgive him. That Bruce would never forgive him. Could make it so they both left him. Maybe even taking Lois with them if she found out somehow that he had inserted himself into Diana's and Bruce's growing relationship; and Lois being Lois would go looking until she found out. Lois being Lois would see it as interference, and proof that she didn't have his entire heart. And how was he to explain that Lois just didn't have Kal's heart, while she had Clark's, while she had Superman's? No, Lois wouldn't find that distinction acceptable. And despite their sometimes shaky relationship, Bruce was extremely important to Clark, to Superman. He didn't want to lose him either. So he would just pretend he didn't really know what was going on until it became too obvious even to Smallville, and then he would just wait it out. No matter how long he had to wait. Even if his waiting led to nothing. To do otherwise would be to give into Kal's greatest fear… Superman landed on his roof. …a life without Diana. Clark walked into his apartment and began undressing. He was nude once more by the time he eased back into the bedroom. …without his heart. Clark climbed back into the bed, wrapped his arms around Lois again, and rested his chin on her shoulder. …and like anyone, without his heart, Kal would die. Some would say that maybe Kal needed to die. To be free of Diana. But Kal couldn't die. And the realization brought tears to his eyes. He couldn't divide himself into those parts, when really he was all of them. All of them were what made him a man. He was Kal. Clark was Kal. Superman was Kal. They were all one in the same. They all loved Diana. He could, should, and would just refuse to explore if they loved her more than Lois.